3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
