He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
