Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
