So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
