did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
