I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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