smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I bet he comes in French.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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