He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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