I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
