I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
