I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
