I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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