I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
