Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
