gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
