it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
