Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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