Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
