sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
