if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
