and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize