her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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