I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
