i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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