I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
