Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Couch. On fire.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
