Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize