Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
