It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
