Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
