This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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