Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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