he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize