Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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