how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize