Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
