Someone shit on the floor
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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