Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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