cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
