last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
