It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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