He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
