im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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