I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
