New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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