the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
