Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
