he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
