Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
