Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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