do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
