...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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