a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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