I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
