Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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