I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
