I just pynch a tree in the face
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
